Oscars 2012: The Wrap Up *

Well, the Oscars for 2012 are over and the winners were once again extremely predictable. Nevertheless, here’s a rundown of some of the highlights of this year’s ceremony.


It was no surprise to anyone when Jonah Hill stood up to accept the Oscar for his turn in Moneyball. His speech was succinct: “Fuck Christopher Plummer.” Later, at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party, Christopher Plummer was asked his opinion of the result, whereupon he reached into his pocket, held up a champagne bottle in his left hand, and read his acceptance speech. He was then helped from the room by his “companion”.


Pretty much not a surprise when Melissa McCarthy’s name was read out for her gut-wrenching turn in Bridesmaids. Speaking for thespians everywhere, McCarthy said that the Bridesmaids shoot was “the most harrowing ordeal of my life.”


Nor real surprises here as Lisy Christ took the gold statue for Anonymous. Said Christ from the stage, accepting her award: “When you make a film that literally everyone in the world wants to see, you know you’ve got a shot.”


No-one was surprised when Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng ascended the stage to accept the award for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two. Accepting the award for the three men, Funk said, “Really, Meryl Streep’s makeup in The Iron Lady was strictly amateur hour.”


Surprising no-one, Real Steel’s Erik Nash, John Rosengrant, Dan Taylor and Swen Gillberg took away the big statuette. Speaking for the group, Gillberg said “Look, we liked Hugo and Harry Potter and Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Transformers, but we had boxing robots, and everybody likes boxing robots.”


Not really presenting much of a surprise, this year the Academy decided to offer a split decision, awarding the gold statuette to both A Cat In Paris and Puss in Boots.


As the unsurprising winner of this year’s Best Score Academy Award, 68-time Best Score Academy Award Winner John Williams said nothing as he collected his award for War Horse. Later, backstage in the Press Room, when asked how it felt to win a 69th Oscar, far more than any other living being, Mr. Williams again said nothing.


Accepting his unsurprising award for Best Original Screenplay, Margin Call scribe J.C. Chandor said “I so fuckin’ knew I was gonna win this.”


No surprises here as Glenn Close won for her blistering portrayal of a chick dressed as a dude in Albert Nobbs, the hysterical cross-dressing gentle comedy sensation that has so far taken over $200million at the box office. Close was graceful in her acceptance speech, calling Meryl Streep’s portrayal of Margaret Thatcher “silly”.


Unsurprisingly it was Gary Oldman who took the stage to accept his very first Oscar, from his very first nomination, for his gripping, highly physical, scene-stealing and heavily emotional, soul-exposing work in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Accepting the Oscar, Oldman claimed that he was inspired by such subtle actors as Nicholas Cage, Al Pacino, the late Dennis Hopper and his mentor Crispin Glover.


Certainly the least surprising award of the night was Woody Allen for Best Director for Midnight in Paris. Allen, characteristically, was absent from the Awards, preferring to send Scarlett Johansson to accept on his behalf, despite this being the first of his last five films in which she did not appear.


No real gasps of surprise here as Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close took out top honors. Producer Scott Rudin said in his pithy acceptance speech, “Really, we were never worried, as everyone knows that, in the end, people are more interested in September Eleventh than they are in movie stars, civil rights, Paris, baseball, parenthood, family, childhood, horses and war.”




* The Oscars haven’t actually happened yet and will be held on the 26th of February.

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